I just came upon a new favorite blog (or so the past 5 minutes says) and fell in love with this post. Check out Kristie Was Here and her “discovered truths.”
Sometimes, and this sounds incredibly stupid, but sometimes, I feel guilty for the luck I’ve had in my love life, especially when I read a blog post by someone a decade older than me who is searching for her other half only to be eluded by him. I feel guilty when I talk to someone older than me, in a relationship longer than me, or an ex-wife because somehow my good fortune hasn’t reached them. It’s crazy to feel this way of course, because everyone’s path is different and I truly believe that what is meant to be, will be. That if you haven’t found your person yet that you will one day and once you do, you’ll see all the waiting and fruitless searching has been worth it. But I still feel like I need to hide my engagement ring, downplay my wedding plans, and change the subject to something else which isn’t really fair to anyone: to myself because damn it, I’m engaged! (did you not see the gush-worthy post yesterday? I swear I don’t usually contradict myself so much) and sometimes I do throw caution to the wind and just become THAT girl talking about her wedding non-stop. But it’s also not fair to the person I’m talking to, the one who I’ve stereotyped into wanting a wedding, needing a ring and it’s not even necessarily that I think they feel that way. Unfortunately, my actions put them in that role. Maybe it’s because I’m so emotional and (I think) empathetic to other people and their feelings. Maybe it’s because I just want people to be as happy as I am or maybe it’s because I can’t stand people being mad at me or disliking me (with a few exceptions of course…you can keep on disliking me all you want, girlfriend). Because I’m a sarcastic person and you best believe that if roles were reversed I’m sure my inner-self would be all “You two haven’t even been dating that long and you’re getting married?” or “23 is too young to get married. It won’t last.” (PS – I was 22 when we got engaged…don’t hate me because I’m young) Even my father tells strangers I’m too young! But these people aren’t me. Many of them didn’t move out of their house at 17 and go through the things I went through. Maybe their journeys were difficult, maybe less so, maybe in a different way, but I know I grew up fast and I’ve always had a maturity about me that my peers didn’t always possess. (Of course, I know some people out there could point to a few tequila-drenched nights as proof of the opposite, but hey we’ve all been there, right?) I think we know when we’ve found the right person and age isn’t really an indicator of being ready to promise yourself to that person and that person only. Hell, I know it’s a different time now, but Ron’s mom already had a baby at my age! (Not that I’m saying that should come anytime soon, but a comparison.) I always feel like I’ll be more credible after my next birthday, like 21 wasn’t good because you’re just becoming an irresponsible partier, then 22 is barely out of that range. 23 is still too young for most to consider you grown-up (so it seems) and I’ve got high hopes for 24. Maybe by the time I can legally rent a car I’ll feel worthy of adulthood? Maybe I never will? Who knows. All I know is that I’m proud of my engagement, of the wedding we’re planning. Maybe it’s my inner feminist who always said “IF I get married it won’t be until I’m older and have travelled and built my career and yadda yadda…” but plans change. I’m definitely not where my teenage self thought I would be at 23. And I’m certainly not an actress like my 10 year old self was certain of. But this life is a life I’m proud of, even if it has some aspects I’m not so proud of. I’m working on it. Which is also maybe why I don’t feel so adult-like at this age? It’s all starting to come full-circle right now. Maybe what people need isn’t a shrink, but a blog to talk about their issues in. Anyway, I think being an adult is all about “working on it” because do we ever stop changing? Relationships are formed, families grow, locations are moved and we’re all just working on it. I might not be starring on broadway (Oh, Fame, you would totally be my bitch if I could sing), but I’m happy and proud of where I am and that marriage will soon be a part of that. Possibly I just need to practice a little more self-confidence…another quality that adults seem to have nailed down much better than their adolescent counter-parts. But again, 24 is looking pretty good…
PS – A very happy birthday to Dr. Seuss! Why did Google not do a cool thing-a-ma-jig (official term) for him?! Outrage. A very fitting Seuss-y quote for this post: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” And of course a favorite for all things love: “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” Happy Dr. Seuss’s Birthday!
This past Tuesday, the 28th, marked 5 months until our wedding. We’ve been engaged for over a year now and have been planning for just about the same amount of time. I’m so excited to see our hard work come to fruition, but at the same time I wish i could stop the clock and live a little longer in our engagement. It’s been such a magical time full of flowing champagne and lavish attention, but it’s also helped us to learn more about each other and ourselves. It taught me about compromise, and really what else is marriage about? (Besides love of course!) It’s easy to get caught up in the crazy bride-to-be part of the planning. The part where The Knot tells you it’s totally normal and acceptable to spend $5,000 on a photographer for one day or for Martha Stewart to dictate the perfect flowers for your day (amounting to more than that photographer). You have to remind yourself (or if you’re lucky like me, your fiance will do that for you!) that the day isn’t about the centerpieces or the favors. It’s about your relationship with each other, the love you share and the future you’re building together. I can’t wait to walk down the aisle with my dad, to stand across from my fiance and recite our vows to each other. I can’t wait to dance with him in front of our family and friends (no matter how awkward it will be) and to see my friends in their bridesmaid dresses. I can’t wait to taste every little thing we planned on that menu (especially the fried oreos with ice cream for dessert!). I can’t wait to have all my family and friends in one room celebrating Ron and myself. I can’t wait to wear my beautiful dress and then swap it for the “Just Married” bathing suit my future sister-in-law, Jen, gave me for the after party. I can’t wait to brunch with my future-in-laws and then spend the day together before heading off to Mexico and the world’s best hotel room. I really can’t wait to spend a whole 8 days with Ron, relaxing in our private pool, lounging on our roof deck, exploring Cancun and trying ever restaurant at our all-inclusive hotel. And I can’t wait to come home and change the signature on my emails to my new last name, something I’ve thought of more times than is normal for an adult I’m sure, although I guess it is the grown-up equivalent to doodling our names in my notebook (too bad I’ve done this too…). As anxious as I am for all of these amazing things to happen, I also want to stay engaged for as long as possible in that special time between single and married, where you are often the center of attention, and can talk about your special day as much as you want. I still have so much to look forward to during the in-between…all of my DIY projects I planned thanks to Pinterest, the bridal shower and bachelorette party (make it good, girls ), my hair and makeup trials and getting my dress fitted – something that might actually be fun now that I’ve lost 23 pounds and am well on my way to meeting my goal (40). I think a lot of girls dream about getting married, but not necessarily being married, of being a fiance, but not always of being a wife. That might be the part I’m MOST excited about…becoming an official (and legal) member of Ron’s family, of signing my new name, of a new meaning to “wifey.”