The 8th dwarf: stupid

Cars. And Explosions. Don’t try this at home. Part 1.

As an 18 year old almost high school graduate, my requirements for a car were slim. I wanted a stick shift because it looked like fun and boys thought it was hot. I also wanted something “cute.” Forget about air bags and 4 wheel drive, which is definitely a necessity for living in the mountains like I did. Forget about power locks and windows (To be far, I didn’t know I WASN’T getting those. I mean, this was 2006…who even knew cars could still be made without all things power?!). I just wanted my car to be as cool as me (oh so very, very cool). So when I drove my Chevy Cobalt off the lot (read: mom drove the car to the nearest parking lot to re-teach me how to drive stick. I can’t count on one hand how many times I had previously learned. Probably a sign I should have stuck with automatic.) I was super duper excited to show off my wheels. Of course, the impromptu lesson was a bit of a wake-up call as well as a bitch session (my mom and I weren’t always so kind).

Fast forward 5 years later where I am still driving this same car. Yes, the same car without power locks and windows (yes it sucks). My oh-so-cool car looks a little different now of course. It currently sports a DELTA PHI EPSILON sticker in the rear window because screaming your sorority at those drivers so fortunate to be behind makes your car all that much cooler. It also has a sticker from my apartment complex (cool AND grown up). But besides that, there are a few changes that can be seen from the outside.

First I should point out the indentations along the driver’s side of the car. It looks like a giant mutant version of Wolverine came to decorate my car. Being the cool cat (hehe pun) that I am, I obviously am so up on the current technology and I obtained these lovely scratches (“scratches” so does not even BEGIN to describe my car) while being super cool on my LG Chocolate phone circa 2007. I tell everyone it was because I was sleep deprived due to pledging, but really I was just trying to set up my new cute phone (that word cute always gets me in trouble) when I accidentally drove AGAINST a huge cement block in the Verizon parking lot. In all fairness, WHO puts lampposts in huge cement blocks?! (PS – These cement blocks have NEON ORANGE PLASTIC COVERINGS now so I’m guessing I wasn’t the only idiot super cool person that did this.

Fast forward to Christmas break when again I am exhibiting all areas of coolness. I went to my cheerleading coach’s apartment for a gathering involving lots of alcohol and brought all my friends along because my coach was not quite as cool as me and didn’t have cool friends to bring along. My boyfriend at the time was supposed to drive home (his car, not mine) but once I walked in on him doing his 8th tequila shot of the night, I knew this was not a possibility. I would like to say I stopped drinking here, but I honestly can’t remember. Probably an effect of all the drinks I had to down in order to forget my cheerleading coach trapping me in a closet and trying to make out with me (cheerleading coach was a man, by the way) because ew, gross. Long story short (and legal) here, I got into a minor accident which ended up with me in Newark driving down train tracks. After we finally made it back to my friend’s apartment (who wasn’t so concerned that we were so late getting back due to her convenience store stop for drunken munchies), we fell asleep and I easily slept through my alarm and didn’t make it to work, landing me with a suspension AND a broken front bumper. On the passenger side of course, so my super cool car now looks crappy from almost all angles (if you’re standing in the back it looks fine. And you can see the DphiE sticker! Woo!)

Come back tomorrow to find out how I spent all my money on this POS and the thing is still threatening to blow up.


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