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How do you plead?

Sometimes, and this sounds incredibly stupid, but sometimes, I feel guilty for the luck I’ve had in my love life, especially when I read a blog post by someone a decade older than me who is searching for her other half only to be eluded by him. I feel guilty when I talk to someone older than me, in a relationship longer than me, or an ex-wife because somehow my good fortune hasn’t reached them. It’s crazy to feel this way of course, because everyone’s path is different and I truly believe that what is meant to be, will be. That if you haven’t found your person yet that you will one day and once you do, you’ll see all the waiting and fruitless searching has been worth it. But I still feel like I need to hide my engagement ring, downplay my wedding plans, and change the subject to something else which isn’t really fair to anyone: to myself because damn it, I’m engaged! (did you not see the gush-worthy post yesterday? I swear I don’t usually contradict myself so much) and sometimes I do throw caution to the wind and just become THAT girl talking about her wedding non-stop. But it’s also not fair to the person I’m talking to, the one who I’ve stereotyped into wanting a wedding, needing a ring and it’s not even necessarily that I think they feel that way. Unfortunately, my actions put them in that role. Maybe it’s because I’m so emotional and (I think) empathetic to other people and their feelings. Maybe it’s because I just want people to be as happy as I am or maybe it’s because I can’t stand people being mad at me or disliking me (with a few exceptions of course…you can keep on disliking me all you want, girlfriend). Because I’m a sarcastic person and you best believe that if roles were reversed I’m sure my inner-self would be all “You two haven’t even been dating that long and you’re getting married?” or “23 is too young to get married. It won’t last.” (PS – I was 22 when we got engaged…don’t hate me because I’m young) Even my father tells strangers I’m too young! But these people aren’t me. Many of them didn’t move out of their house at 17 and go through the things I went through. Maybe their journeys were difficult, maybe less so, maybe in a different way, but I know I grew up fast and I’ve always had a maturity about me that my peers didn’t always possess. (Of course, I know some people out there could point to a few tequila-drenched nights as proof of the opposite, but hey we’ve all been there, right?) I think we know when we’ve found the right person and age isn’t really an indicator of being ready to promise yourself to that person and that person only. Hell, I know it’s a different time now, but Ron’s mom already had a baby at my age! (Not that I’m saying that should come anytime soon, but a comparison.) I always feel like I’ll be more credible after my next birthday, like 21 wasn’t good because you’re just becoming an irresponsible partier, then 22 is barely out of that range. 23 is still too young for most to consider you grown-up (so it seems) and I’ve got high hopes for 24. Maybe by the time I can legally rent a car I’ll feel worthy of adulthood? Maybe I never will? Who knows. All I know is that I’m proud of my engagement, of the wedding we’re planning. Maybe it’s my inner feminist who always said “IF I get married it won’t be until I’m older and have travelled and built my career and yadda yadda…” but plans change. I’m definitely not where my teenage self thought I would be at 23. And I’m certainly not an actress like my 10 year old self was certain of. But this life is a life I’m proud of, even if it has some aspects I’m not so proud of. I’m working on it. Which is also maybe why I don’t feel so adult-like at this age? It’s all starting to come full-circle right now. Maybe what people need isn’t a shrink, but a blog to talk about their issues in. Anyway, I think being an adult is all about “working on it” because do we ever stop changing? Relationships are formed, families grow, locations are moved and we’re all just working on it. I might not be starring on broadway (Oh, Fame, you would totally be my bitch if I could sing), but I’m happy and proud of where I am and that marriage will soon be a part of that. Possibly I just need to practice a little more self-confidence…another quality that adults seem to have nailed down much better than their adolescent counter-parts. But again, 24 is looking pretty good…

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PS – A very happy birthday to Dr. Seuss! Why did Google not do a cool thing-a-ma-jig (official term) for him?! Outrage. A very fitting Seuss-y quote for this post: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” And of course a favorite for all things love: “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” Happy Dr. Seuss’s Birthday!

 

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2 thoughts on “How do you plead?

  1. just wanted to say hi! and thanks so much for stopping by the other day when my little leila was about to go to surgery! and thanks for the compliments on the pics! it was great to read so many wonderful encouraging comments…calmed my nerves down alot!! =) girl, you need to live up that engagement! thats awesome.. plans change, who we thought we would be isnt always who we are! no biggie! we roll with it.. =)

  2. I feel exactly the same way.. I’m 23, I live with my boyfriend, and we’ve talked about marriage. I swing back and forth between yeah, let’s do this! and noo, I am way too young! This was not the plan!

    But then I remember that you can’t pick when you meet the person you are going to fall in love with, and if you make each other happy, it doesn’t matter how old you are. Also, if your plans can’t grow to include the person you love, maybe they weren’t very good plans to begin with. 🙂

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