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Blah blah blah

There is an overwhelming feeling of confusion, sadness and anxiety surrounding me at the moment. This happens to me sometimes, and I’m never quite sure what brings it on. I returned from my bachelorette party this past weekend (most amazing party ever) so perhaps it’s a combination of home-from-vacation syndrome mixed with not having the party to look forward to anymore? Or maybe it’s because our wedding is in 6 weeks and there is so much to do, yet also nothing pressing to do? Possibly it has to do with residual effects from my mom’s passing or the uncertain future of my finances. No matter what it is, the feeling of helplessness starts to close in on me and without being able to pinpoint a cause, I don’t know what to fix. I kind of think it’s more a lack of personal organization than anything else. Right now there are dishes piled in the sink, suitcases to unpack and loads of laundry to do. My fiance has done the dishes more in the past few weeks than in the 3 years I’ve known him, as well as wash and fold a load of my laundry, cleaned the living room, etc. As happy as it makes me to come home and see he has done so much, it also makes me feel guilty for not doing my part. And it never ceases to amaze me that I can sit down on the couch to watch a little tv and then completely forget about the mountain of dishes in the sink or the fact that the bathroom couldreallyuse a good cleaning (like really). I don’t know if this is normal and I just need to grow the f up or if I had legitimate issues. It’s all very confusing and sad and it only makes me more sad to realize this time, right before my wedding, should be one of the happiest times of my life. Instead I just feel hopeless. I know this isn’t my true feelings, but I don’t know how to make it go away.

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