It’s always been a sore point for me that I didn’t finish college. I’ve probably used every available excuse I could grasp on to, but the reality is I just wasn’t ready. And maybe that was indirectly because of family stuff, but it definitely wasn’t the main cause. Many other 18-year olds may have been able to buckle down and just do it (whoa cheerleading flashback), but thanks to my tendency to bury my head in the sand whenever anything became difficult, I wasn’t one of them. As a freshman in high school, I would have rather contracted bird flu then forgotten a homework assignment (I was literally crushed I wasn’t in any honors classes that year…I didn’t feel that way after taking AP English and trying to tackle calculus, ha). As a freshman in college, you could find me almost anywhere but doing homework or studying. And if I didn’t have my homework? I generally didn’t go to class. I feel as if I’m wasting my mind by not going to school…I know I’m smart. You don’t need a degree to tell you that. Nor do you need school to learn; you can teach yourself plenty. Maybe what I really need is evaluation of what I’ve learned. Maybe if I had a test when I finished a new book or if someone graded my blog posts, I’d feel more validated.
In any case, tonight I’m taking a stop toward erasing that feeling. I’m attending a writing workshop in NYC tonight and currently my stomach feels like a net full of butterflies because a. trains, subways, rush hour traffic and b. ohmygodawritingworkshopin thecitywithrealauthorsandwritersandeverythingandohmygod. I kinda feel like Katy in Mean Girls on her first day of school. I know the first half of the workshop will be a writing exercise and I’m nearly puking on my keyboard at the thought of having to product fiction on the spot and then possibly read or share it with a peer/the class/the successful author running the class (by the way, do people say peer in the real world or was that just in school when you had to have someone correct your work, which I never listened to anyway?). I’m trying not to focus on it and just keep a positive outlook, but I may still spend the ride in coming up with topics to write about because having writer’s block tonight would probably be counterproductive.