I’m not talking the singing or the brother. I’m talking wardrobe. As in MALFUNCTION. To backtrack, this day in particular started off ridiculously badly. In fact, it started with the night before. I got home from the Bucks around 10:45 and while in the shower, I realized something: I had forgotten to get the College Fair supplies from my co-worker. Being that I had volunteered to take a college fair the next day 15 minutes away from my house BECAUSE it was fifteen minutes away from my house, I was pretty pissed that I was going to have to drive an hour to work then another 30 minutes back to the college fair. I had also scheduled a dentist appointment (my first in way WAY too long) for 9am that morning, knowing I could go to the appointment and then right to the college fair with plenty of time to spare. I left my house and it was barely drizzling. Once I got halfway down 287 (30 minutes later!) I decided to try a shortcut (haha) and took the exit for 202, thinking I would be able to cut through to route 10 and zip up to work. Unfortunately, it was at this moment that the skies opened up and it was like that scene in Jumanji where they have the monsoon and the alligator goes floating by. I could barely see in front of my windshield and no one was going anywhere. After sitting in another 15 minutes of traffic, I was finally on a stretch of 202 I recognized and moving faster than 15 MPH, a fact that didn’t help the ginormous puddles on the side of the road from doing that scary thing where you think your car is about to spin. I finally get to work, ran out of my car covered in only my jacket (my penguin umbrella my hubs gave me was handily stored in the trunk), grabbed the supplies and fled. In spite of the downpour, traffic and my forgetfulness, I managed to make it to the college fair right on time and luckily, the rain had stopped. I parked and gathered my stuff (making sure to bring my umbrella), briefly debating on whether I should change into the open-toed heels I brought. I decided against it and started down the walkway in my flats. I was wearing a tight black pencil skirt, a t-shirt with the school logo, and a purple (our school color) cardigan. My hair HAD been curled and semi voluminous before leaving the house, but thanks to the theatrics in the rain, it was now just a big frizzball. Despite it all, I felt like I looked pretty good to be repping the school at Butler HS.
I set up my tri-fold and materials next to the Montclair State table and started talking to their reps. They were both very nice. The older woman’s children had recently graduated from Montclair and currently maintained the website for the school. The other girl had only just recently graduated and this was her first post-college job. For the first hour and a half I didn’t get much interest and there really weren’t that many students in the gym to try to interest. It was the type of fair that the kids could come to if they chose; they were not required to. Around 11:30, I went to eat the cheese stick I brought as a snack, but being in my purse for 3 hours had caused it to get warm and it slid right out of the wrapper when I opened it. It splatted on the floor, kind of embarrassing , but I bent down, picked it up and walked to the front of the gym to throw it out and on my way back, I grabbed a mini bottle of water and a Chewy bar. When I got back to my table I noticed a couple of guys at the Navy table behind me were staring at me and talking. Weird because I thought I looked kind of chubs in my tight skirt (stupid me for putting weight back on) and my fro wasn’t helping, but whatever. Probably about 10-15 minutes later, a female representative from another school came up really close behind me and spoke in my ear. At first I thought she was going to hold up a weapon and ask for my purse or something, but instead I heard something very different. “Honey, I’m sorry but your skirt ripped and your butt cheeks are showing.” I swear my blood stopped dead in my veins. I felt like I was going to vomit or cry or both at the same time and immediately put my hand behind me to see (feel?) what she was talking about. Sure enough, the slit in my skirt had ripped up the seam and was now showcasing the very worst part of my thighs and the bottom 4 inches of my ass. I spun around so my butt was hidden by my table and grabbed my jacket. Unfortunately it wouldn’t cover my butt if I wore it normally so I tied it around my waist like a 2nd grader and started to gather my stuff, interrupting MSU Web Lady as I packed up. “Sooooo apparently I ripped my skirt and have been showing everyone my butt for who knows how long so I’m going to go.” Right away she came over to look and told me it wasn’t that bad…probably because I had yanked it down as fast as I could, yet not a permanent solution to the problem. She kept telling me to stay and keep the jacket tied around my waist or ask the school nurse for pants. What? I’m here as a representative from a cosmetology school that preaches professional appearance. I can’t be standing here with a jacket (even a very cute quilted Calvin Klein jacket) tied around my waist. Nor can I face any of the 50 or so people in the gym with me, most of whom were behind me. Montclair girls helped me pack up while another girl came over and asked if I wanted the extra skirt in her car. “Yes, please stranger in a skirt tighter than mine (on a body bigger than mine…why is your skirt not ripped?!), please let me borrow your skirt to cover my currently exposed ass cheeks. Thanks! By the way, are you interested in cosmetology school?” No. Not happening. I did my best to glare at the Navy boys while shuffling out of the gym and realized belatedly I forgot to tell a guidance counselor I was leaving so they didn’t think I just bounced. I stopped a teacher in the hall to ask where guidance once and he said they would all be in the gym. I think my filter stopped because I told him I couldn’t go back in there because my butt was showing and I just wanted to tell them I was leaving. He just stared at me. “You know what? I’ll just call them.” I said and awkwardly lugged my case, tri-fold, & purse outside while keeping a kung fu grip on my tied up jacket. I got to my car and really inspected the damage. Just like I feared, a good portion of my butt was hanging out. While driving home to change, I realized that at least I wasn’t the first one to have a wardrobe malfunction and at least it was in front of a few school reps from wherever the eff instead of on national TV during the Super Bowl. So thanks Janet. Also? I’m going shopping.