There’s a lot going on in my head right now. Like at this very instant. I wish I could share it all because blogging and writing about the way I feel really helps me feel better & clears my mind. Obviously some parts of my life are personal and don’t belong entirely to me. I can’t write about the way another person is feeling because it’s their feelings & their thoughts, even if I have become involved.
Life isn’t simple. I love the idea of living simply and taking the extravagance out of your daily life, and I’m going to try to practice that more in 2013, but overall life is a complex thing. Some days it’s more complex than others while there may be points where you feel blessedly content & free. I’ve found it’s also possible to feel both of these conflicting emotions at once in different parts of your life, compartmentalizing at its finest…which is altogether confusing and difficult in itself.
Sometimes I think about writing a different blog, one I don’t publicize, one that’s simply(there’s that word again) for me. Where my friends & family don’t go to read & I can speak my mind truthfully and get it out there. Then again I believe that’s what a journal or diary is for, so possibly I could just break out a notebook.
I recently tried to explain to my husband the way I’ve been feeling the past few months, pretty much ever since my mom passed away. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings, definitely better than I used to be, but I don’t always see the point in talking about how I feel. Because I’m ashamed, scared, unsure anyone will understand. He seemed pretty surprised to learn the way I had been feeling which is just so hard to get across in the first place. I feel better having it out there, but it’s also weird to continue about my everyday life like that conversation didn’t really happen. Which is probably the wrong thing to do anyway and could possibly be the reason for my drunken nervous breakdowns, alcohol being the bridge that releases my inhibitions about sharing and feeling and telling people I’M NOT OK. Because I’m not. But at the same time, I am. And I don’t even get it enough to understand it myself let alone try to explain it to others so how do you talk about it? You don’t until you’re multiple bottles of wine or shots of fire whiskey (which I didn’t even realize was whiskey…oops, mess moment) & all of a sudden it’s the perfect opportunity to burst into tears because you feel so lost and alone and miserable even though it’s the happiest time of your life and you just married an amazing guy and gained an amazing family, this whole other support system who would be there to talk, but without the alcohol the shame and uneasiness comes back & you tell people you’re fine, fine, fine. Which you are, to an extent.
If you made it this far, you’re either really bored, a really good friend or possibly understand what I’m talking about (explain it to me?) so I guess I’ll wrap it up and stop the babbling mess that is this post. Ever wish you were a dog? I do. Pretty much on a daily basis. Especially when my puppy is laying on his back snoring while I try to dry-shampoo my dirty hair into some semblance of style at 7:15am. Those pups have a pretty nice existence. Their biggest problem is when they can go outside and can they have a bite of that whatever you’re eating.
The hubs & I are going [mostly] sober starting this Sunday and lasting to New Year’s Eve. I say mostly because I’m pretty sure my in-laws have a pumpkin pie martini brewing for Thanksgiving and pending my Bucks schedule (they’re opening at 9pm on Thanksgiving for Black Friday…WHAT?!) I would definitely enjoy one of those babies. Other than that…sober Sally. I think it’s a good idea. I’ve done it before, and it usually helps me feel more cool day & less hot mess if you will. Also, we’ll be dieting because post-wedding anti-dieting has made us both thicker and gross-feeling which doesn’t add to the mess.
listening reading. Hopefully one day soon this little space of internet will be less gloom & more happy tales of falling down & ripping skirts. 🙂