Family Bonding · The 8th dwarf: stupid

Tooting my horn and other things…

So remember that time about a week and a half ago (bad blogger award) when I was all like, Yay go me! I worked out every day and went to the gym super early this morning and rah rah! And then I started feeling sick and got busy at work and fast forward to today when I haven’t worked out since and all I can think about is a nap? And I have not one but two laundry baskets full of clothes and crap to put away but are instead sitting next to my bed just begging my pup Clark to go ahead and chew all my underwear? Not to mention the lack of existence on this here blog or the stacks of clothes also to be put away which are currently residing on top of my dresses. Yeah, so maybe I spoke too soon there. My day job is going through the re-accreditation process and are expecting a visit from our agency next week so everything is kind of intense at work lately. I managed to get the weekend off this past weekend but filled it with sleep and time with the in-laws instead of blogging and cleaning, although I did clean the kitchen and frig. 1 small victory for Lindsay-kind. But instead of updating you with all the mundane crapola from everyday around here, I thought I’d tell you a funny story I alluded to recently.

This past Halloween, I decided I didn’t want to dress (too) skimpily and would rather have some amazing makeup than focus on short skirts and low shirts. I did still have a short skirt (come on, it IS Halloween), but I also had some super scary makeup from a super scary makeup tutorial that I found on Pinterest. I was a LIVING DOLL. See inspiration pic below…

But without the scars. Found on Pinterest.
But without the scars. Found on Pinterest.

Yeah, creepy, right? I figured at a dark club with drunk people it would be even better. So after watching the video numerous times, I realized I needed to cover my eyebrows. And while I tried covering them with glue and then foundation/concealor (thanks Google) didn’t exactly work, I knew I could turn to the tried and true liquid latex method. Oh you don’t know what this is? It’s this liquidy crap with the consistency of glue that you can make fake scars and such with. And the video had said I could use it for my eyebrows. Imagine my surprise when after coming home to a super huge bottle my husband bought, I saw that it said “DO NOT USE ON HAIR!” Which is what eyebrows are made of. Another trip to Google and I was slicking my eyebrows with olive oil and praying that the people who said this would easily take the latex off were right. An hour later, I had drawn on eyebrows an inch higher, crazy lips and fake lashes, and looked like a creepy ass doll. My friend Bianca is actually scared of dolls, which I kind of forget at first, and she couldn’t even look at me so mission accomplished.

Me and Bianca aka Mario
Me and Bianca aka Mario

For the past 2 years, my friends and I have gone to this bar in Hoboken called West 5. It’s awesome because it has a dancing section of the club but also a more subdued front portion of the club where you can get drinks and kind of talk. We get to the club with no problems and the night gets going. I think I was vaguely annoyed, either I wasn’t drunk enough or I was too drunk, because that’s when my mood turns sour. I decided to go dance by myself because no one was listening to me demand dance time and found another friend of mine, Glam Fairy Jessica Romano, aka Jess Hottie, and talked to her for a bit. Things are definitely a little fuzzy in the middle because I kept losing and finding friends and eventually ended up taking shots of Fire whiskey with my friend Leo. Now, how you ever had Fire whiskey? I don’t know why I capitalize Fire and not whiskey, but I guess it’s out of respect for my now feared beverage. First of all, I didn’t realize it was whiskey. It tasted like red hots and I guess I just thought it was vodka, which I had been drinking. Four shots later and I was done. My friends say you can see the moment when I cross from tipsy to drunk and I’m sure that night was no exception. I know we left the bar and I ended up drunk crying in the parking garage by the car (usual) and the rest is just being relayed to you as it was told to me.

Prior to drunk crying
Prior to drunk crying

My husband, trying to be chivalrous, let me sit in the front of the cab home thinking it would make me feel the least sick. He sat in the back with our friend Frank and I don’t even know who else. Apparently someone (me?) opened the window and threw up out the window sometime on our drive home. Normally, getting it out the window would be cause for celebration, but I was unaware the rear window was also open and apparently what I was expelling was hitting my poor friend Frank full on in the face. I really have no words to say about it besides SORRY FRANK!!!! Seriously, who does these things? You’ll be happy to hear I haven’t had a crazy drinking night since then (I think??) and don’t plan to in the future. I’m kind of over drunk crying and shot taking and DEFINITELY over the miserable day I spent at Starbucks following our night out. Have you ever done something this ridiculous and gross while drunk? Grosser? (Really just trying to make myself feel better here.)

This is Frank. I didn't throw up on him this day.
This is Frank. I didn’t throw up on him this day.

Me and the Sons of Anarchy aka my husband and friends

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