Happy Monday! So my Hubs had recently floated the idea of a guest post on Hot Mess, Cool Day. It seems fitting since he is my biggest fan and one of our first connections was through my proofreading and editing his English papers in college. He is hilarious, both in person and in print, and I think you’ll enjoy his soliloquy on one of my favorite topics…chips!
So for my first and possibly last guest blogging appearance I thought I would expand on a debate I was having earlier today with my favorite bride-to-be, Jillian. We were debating over a pretty controversial topic. What is the best chip?
It all started when I shared with my group chat that Lindz made the best buffalo chicken nachos today (for our fake Father’s Day). The cool part about these nachos was that instead of boring old Tostitos, Lindz used Cool Ranch Doritos. The cool ranch was perfect because I despise blue cheese and a ranchy chip was perfect for this dish.
I have an all-time great recipe, shared by one of my Army buddies for “Dorito Casserole”. Which is essentially a taco casserole with crumbled Spicier Nacho Doritos layered between queso filled clumps of spicy beef. With these two Dorito recipes in mind it brought up the question, which I shared in my chat; (that was for you Sean) Are Doritos the best chip ever made?
Probably because my group chat hates me, I only received one response on this topic from the lovely soon to be Mrs. Jill. Jill replied “It is the best CORN chip.” Now Jill didn’t capitalize corn like I just did but that’s how it appeared in my brain! Was Jill going to disagree with me on a topic that I obviously vested so much time into thinking about? Those of you who know me probably could guess that I was already building a Dorito defense before I finished reading the word corn. Fortunately, Jill has a way of explaining her opinion that I always respect and enjoy debating with, you could say she’s a worthy adversary.
I asked about the corn remark and Jill replied that her favorite chips are HERRS Sour Cream and Onion. Cool. Good flavor (at least she didn’t say salt and vinegar :vom face:). This displays why I appreciate Jill’s opinion, anyone could have said Lays Sour Cream and Onion but Jill chose HERRS. The common/number one choice of Delis around the world (which I’m beginning to realize are only in NJ). I told Jill that I respected her choice of HERRS due to the lack of commonality and she replied again, “It’s because they have the most flavor or seasoning per chip.” Jill has obviously but sometime into her thought process.
Now it makes me wonder, I was thinking of Doritos as the entire flavor spectrum. Is that fair? If I’m looking for the best chip of all time, should I be relegated to picking one flavor of Doritos? I’d like to say Sweet Chili Doritos are the best, but I honestly think I enjoy the Spicier Nacho the most. Then again, nothing beats the original flavored, straight up Nacho Cheese Dorito (Don’t get me started on the fact that this debate would be no contest if 3D Doritos still existed). When I decided that Nacho Cheese was the best Dorito, I felt that I can think of the rest of the flavors as a compliment to the Dorito chip entry.
With this out of the way, I decided that when Jill mentioned HERRS Sour Cream and Onion, it would only be fair to use the entire flavor profile of the HERRS Potato Chip brand. And although I respect Jill’s choice and the number one deli brand of chip I believe that Doritos rains supreme over HERRS.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is just my opinion here and it is hard to argue that the almighty potato chip can be beaten by any one kind of chip. I wouldn’t say you were wrong if you were in the potato corner. But for fun I thought of the other heavy hitter potato chip brands, Lays: NO, Not better than Dorito. Ruffles? Eh, any Ruffle potato chip that has a flavor sucks. Their original is ok if you’re in the right mood, but ultimately can’t touch a Dorito. My Dad brought up Wise and/or Utz. To be honest I haven’t tried Utz, as popular as they are so I reserve judgement for a later date. Wise was the potato chip of choice in the Bo household when I was growing up, mostly cause my mom enjoyed Dipsy Doodles and the Cheez Doodles (more in a min) were off the chain. Pringles is an intriguing option but eating Pringles is weird. They have a weird processed taste, even though it’s great. I know my buddy Picc would choose Pringles as his favorite chip but that’s a WHOLE other story. After a lot of thought on the potato chip market I realize my favorite potato chips are Munchos! Theyre so good! But not better than the Dorito! So potato chips lose this challenge.
The mighty Cheeto (crunchy mainly but also puffed): Epic. Cheetos at one time may have carried the torch for me. And I know some of you are huge fans of the Flaming Cheeto. But honestly the Flaming Cheeto is just ok. It’s not worth the butthole burn. Buffalo chicken nachos are worth a sleepless night in the latrine, but not for the Flaming Cheeto. Also The Wise Cheez Doodle (puffs) were pretty damn good. To have competition close in on you in the same category means you cannot wear the Lords Crown of Chip.
Frito: Yo! Fritos on fleek are so good. If you eat chili with Tostitos you’re a plain Jane. Live a little and enjoy it, scoop that Hormel mess with a Frito! They’re so good, they went ahead and made chili flavored Fritos! Something Tostito never thought of. Oh and hey Tostito scoops, good invention. Fritos were born as scoops! Fritos get old and have little Frito scoop babies! It’s all they know! Do yourself a favor this year at Super Bowl and throw a brick of Velveeta and two cans of Hormel in a Crockpot. MELT and MIX. And scoop with a damn Frito! You’ll thank me later, but if you dare try this with a Tostito I will personally come to your house at half time and punch you directly in the throat. In the end the Chili Fritos are so good I throw up EVERYTIME I eat them. Probably because I eat too many but whatever let me live. Ultimately thought Fritos are relegated to chili, Doritos win this matchup thanks to their versatility.
Tostitos: Mad respect. But I think I just ran a Frito train through your hopes of even placing in this contest.
Pretzel: “These pretzels….are making me thirsty” – Kosmo Kramer. The only cool thing that has ever happened to pretzels.
Funion: Wow. Super Chip. A worthy underdog to many listed above. On any given day I may go FOE. Funions Over Everything. Funion is like Apollo Creed, it may beat the Dorito by an upset, but eventually the Dorito will come back in the sequel to beat the Funion’s ass……then body slam Hulk Hogan and kick Mr. T’s ass. (Rocky enthusiasts, I realize Apollo was not the underdog in the first movie but from the viewer’s seat, the first time watching, you all thought Rocky was going to win!)
I was thinking earlier that I covered all worthy chips. I certainly didn’t leave out a chip that has a whole possibility of flavors did I? It hit me later! I left out Ivan Drago (I’m sure some of you noticed above)!
The Sun Chip (for the purposes of this blog The Ivan Drago Chip): “I must break you” A serious contender not to be taken lightly! Every original flavor was awesome! Cheese, Sour Cream and Onion and like the Dorito the best flavor may have been ORIGINAL! “If he dies…….he dies.” Mentally Sun Chips had Doritos on the ropes and then I remembered……….Garden Salsa and the most pathetic attempt at a BBQ (a personal fave) that I have ever seen. I’m not saying that every Dorito flavor is stellar, but no one bombed harder at flavors than Sun Chips attempt to expand. Doritos win by knockout. That one was for Apollo, the character and the Funions. Two fun facts: Lindz cried for approximately 7 min when SPOILER ALERT Apollo died in the Rocky movies. Fun Fact two and also huge reason for a knockout blow: Sun chips claim that their bags are biodegradable. THEY ARENT. Big nod to my friend Bri who attempted to put these in her compost bin and guess what! They didn’t…….biodegrate? Is that the right word? Anyway she was pretty pissed about it when she shared that story so I’m pretty pissed about it, too. Shame on Sun Chips…….and Russia.
Lindsay would hate me if I didn’t mention Jalapeno potato chips, but she isn’t totally loyal to a brand. She likes the HERRS Kettle Chip brand and we discussed HERRS in length earlier, but Lindz does not have a dog in this fight because although she becomes disappointed when her brand is not in stores, she gets over it quickly and picks up anything with a green pepper on it. I can respect her making the best of it but cannot identify with her lack of loyalty to a single brand!
Well that’s it! Doritos is my winner. Maybe because the closest thing to them in their category is Bravos. And all due respect to WISE they didn’t come close to my boys at Dorito.
Have a better chip? Maybe something I overlooked that is at least worth mentioning? Share in the comments section. However don’t come at me with some kind of cracker/health food snack/Smart food because popcorn doesn’t count/or some random chip that you can only get in certain areas of the world or country (Jill that goes for your Hawaiian chip theory).
NOTE: the title of this story is how my daughter Riley says Chips. I told her to say Chips, please one night and it came out as chipsPEEEEZE;(SC) one word. It’s funny because to say please she only manages “Pa” but can squeeze out PEEEEZE for some chips!